BREAK . DOWN

IF YOU ARE THINKING THIS AS ONE MORE ARTICLE ON THE MONTHLY EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN OF WOMEN THEN NO! YOU ARE WRONG.

I’M IN COLLEGE AND STILL CLUELESS ON VERY BASIC STUFF LIKE WHAT IS BEING ARROGANT? WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?

TRULY , I HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET!!

AS A KID I WAS BULLIED A LOT, NOT ONLY BY FRIENDS BUT BY RELATIVES TOO. IT KIND OF LED TO A SITUATION WHEN I TOTALLY BECAME INTROVERT AND AN ALIEN ON MY OWN PLANET.

AROUND ADOLESCENCE I GOT NEW FRIENDS, STARTED TO OPEN UP A BIT. BUT I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID THAT I’D BE JUDGED FOR I NEVER WENT THROUGH THE SLOW PROCESS OF FRIENDSHIP OVER YEARS; I JUST JUMPED STRAIGHT TO THE PRACTICALS.

I DISCOVERED THINGS I NEVER KNEW ABOUT MYSELF. IT WAS ENCOURAGING. BUT PEOPLE AROUND ME WERE MEAN [ OR MAY BE NOT] AND I WAS EXPOSED TO A DIFFERENT KIND OF BULLYING- THE COMPETITIVE ONE, THE ONE IN WHICH PEOPLE TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN TO RISE UP.

I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SURVIVE.

I WAS STILL HOLDING BACK A BIT OF ME FOR I DID NOT FEEL SECURE.

HIGH SCHOOL PERIOD JUST CAME UP TO DEFINE A NEW ME. I HAD BECOME ONE OF THOSE GIRLS THAT I HATED IN SCHOOL. THIS IS A KIND OF A ISSUE THAT YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN AND GRUMBLE TO PEOPLE BUT IT STILL KILLS YOU INSIDE TO SEE YOU CHANGE.

BY THE TIME I REACHED COLLEGE I WAS SOMEWHAT ACCUSTOMED TO THE WORLDLY WAYS OF DEALING WITH THINGS AND WAS TRYING PUT MYSELF OUT THERE INTO THE WORLD FULLY!

THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME, BEING BULLIED, RESTRICTING MYSELF AND NEVER OPENING UP TO ANYONE HAD KIND OF MADE ME SEEM ARROGANT. I DIDN’T KNOW TO POLITELY PUT UP WORSE THINGS; I WAS JUST SIMPLE, BLUNT AND RIGHT ON THE FACE.

IS SAYING THINGS AS THEY ARE, BAD? AM I WRONG OR IS THE WORLD WRONG?

I SEE THE WORLD APPRECIATING PEOPLE TEXTUALLY FOR BEING BLUNT AND TRUE BUT SCORNS UPON SOMEONE WHO DOES IT.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOLD ME TO TAME MY WAY OF SPEAKING , THEMSELVES AT TIMES DISPLAY THE TRAIT; WHAT TO DO THEN?

IS “IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE”A PROVERB ONLY FOR TEACHERS AND CLASSROOMS AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO CORRECT OTHER PEOPLE?

IF I SAY I KNOW SOMETHING, I AM TERMED ARROGANT OR OVER CONFIDENT?

WHERE TO SET THE LIMIT BETWEEN HUMBLENESS AND ARROGANCE; CONFIDENCE AND BEING OVER CONFIDENT?

IS IT WRONG TO SAY I KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING IF I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THE THING?

IS IT RIGHT TO DECIDE THAT SOMEONE IS EGOISTIC AND NOT OPEN TO LEARNING JUST BECAUSE THEY CONFESS THEY KNOW SOMETHING?

AM I WRONG? OR IS THE WORLD WRONG?

IF I SAY I CAN ACCOMPLISH SOME TASK, IS IT RIGHT TO CONCLUDE THAT I’M OVER CONFIDENT?

HOW DO I DEFINE MY CONFIDENCE THEN? IS IT WRONG TO SAY I CAN DO SOMETHING AND LEARN MORE DURING THE PROCESS?

WHAT IF I KNEW HOW TO DO THE TASK? BUT I FEAR TO CONFESS NOW BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MOCK YOU ANYWAYS!

AT THIS AGE CONFESSING TO FRIENDS THAT YOU DON’T SOMETHING THAT IS  VERY BASIC IS HARD. THEY WILL FIRST LAUGH AT YOU THEN HELP YOU OUT.

IT MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE AT THE “FRIENDS-LEVEL” BUT HOW LONG CAN I SURVIVE THE MOCKERY MADE OUT OF ME FOR NOT KNOWING THINGS? I JUST BECOME A LAUGHING STOCK TO THE COURT FOOLS.

IS IT WRONG IF I DON’T LIKE IT AND HENCE DO NOT CONFESS THAT I DON’T KNOW SOMETHING?

THE PEOPLE THAT I AM SUPPOSE TO LOOK UP TO, THEY THEMSELVES COMMIT SUCH THINGS; THEN WHERE AND HOW DO I LEARN? AFTER ALL, THEY ARE THE PEOPLE WE GET OUR WAYS FROM…. AREN’T THEY?!

EVERYONE ADVISES EVERYONE  ELSE ON HOW TO LIVE AND THEY THEMSELVES LIVE THE WAY THEY WANT; AND I STAND HERE CONFUSED ON THE VERY BASICS OF LIFE?!

IF SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING BAD TO ME, AM I NOT SUPPOSE TO STAND UP TO MY DIGNITY AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT PERSON, OR I LOSE ALL MY RESPECT TO VALUE A STALE RELATIONSHIP?

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE TERMED ” HOLDING GRUDGES”? WHY THE PHILOSOPHY OF ” LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HOLD GRUDGES”? ISN’T IT SHORT FOR HOLDING UP YOUR SELF-RESPECT TOO?

ITS BEEN HAPPENING A FEW LOT TIMES NOW, I HAVE A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

I RETURN TO THAT KID IN ME WHO HAD TO LOCK HERSELF INTO A ROOM TO AVOID HUMAN CONTACT.

emotional-pain-dr-diva-verdun

I STILL DON’T KNOW WHOM TO CONFIDE TO, WHAT TO CONFESS?

SOMETIMES PEOPLE MOCK ME DOWN SO HARD; THE GIRL WHO WAS CALLED ARROGANT LOSES SELF-CONFIDENCE COMPLETELY.

I CAN’T FIND MYSELF. I DON’T KNOW IF WHAT I’M DOING IS RIGHT? WHO SETS THE RULES?

MY CONFIDENCE – SHATTERED TO INFINITE PIECES.

I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING; NOT A PENNY’S WORTH.

I DON’T FEEL LIKE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE FEARING THEY WOULD PUT ME DOWN MORE.

I AM, WHAT I AM TODAY BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

PEOPLE JUDGE YOU BY WHAT YOU APPEAR IN FRONT OF THEM; THEY DON’T SEE HOW YOU HAVE STRUGGLED TO GET WHERE YOU ARE.

AM I WRONG?

 

AFTER SUCH ELABORATE MENTAL TURMOIL, I JUST HAVE TO PICK MYSELF UP, EACH TIME, WITH THE HOPE THAT I WILL BE STRONGER THE NEXT TIME THIS BREAKDOWN TRIES TO GET ME.

 

                           & HENCE I CONTINUE TO BE ARROGANT, EGOISTIC AND OVER-CONFIDENT; AS THE WORLD CALLS IT….. [ TILL I FIGURE OUT THE REAL LIMITS!]

picture courtesy-  www.drdivaphd.wordpress.com , http://www.gettyimages.com

 

 

 

 

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. bhuvana says:

    i happened to read your break.down. never to worry. everybody is like that. may b you are open n honest. there is nothing to feel inferior or ashamed. slowly there are people who will love your honesty n will b in q to earn ur frienship. may b or may not b that u are rewarded. but u r satisfied at your conscience level n thats very vital.. while at one stage or other many may repent for not being real, we can just hold our head high n walk ahead with humble pride….

    Liked by 1 person

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